


Zombies & Incest (An Average Day)

by yuletide_archivist



Category: Green Wing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-20
Updated: 2007-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 08:18:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1641035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuletide_archivist/pseuds/yuletide_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Boyce and Sue White attempt to wreak some good old-fashioned havoc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zombies & Incest (An Average Day)

**Author's Note:**

> This was great fun to write, as I got to rewatch Green Wing extensively making sure I had the voices down. I hope this is sufficient levels of chaos for the characters!
> 
> Written for Sabine

 

 

Boyce knew today was going to be a good day as soon as he entered the hospital. He could feel it in his bones as soon as he saw Caroline. Hair a bit like the lovechild of Elton John and David Bowie, but that was usual and he admired her dedication to it. As they approached each other in the corridor, a plan began to form in his mind. "Good morning, Dr. Todd!"

"Yes, hello, I don't really have time to chat, I've just been paged by Sue White. She says it's an urgent family matter."

"That is a lovely shade of eye shadow on you, Dr. Todd, that green really suits you."

"Thank you, Boycie, that's very sweet of you. I just grabbed in the car this morning, but I did think-"

"Yeah, listen, would it be possible for me to borrow it today?"

"My eye shadow? Really? What for?"

"I'm doing a show later in the cafeteria. Really, I'll buy you a new one later." He snatched the small container from her hand and sprinted back the way he had come.

"Alright, I suppose I don't need it anymore," Caroline called down the corridor.

***

Caroline approached the door with great trepidation. The last time she'd been to Sue White's office, it had been filled with doves that Sue pretended didn't exist. She opened the door and stood back a moment. Things had been more hostile since she and Mac had gotten back together. Or together for the first time, Caroline still wasn't sure about the technicalities of that. The coast appeared clear, and she stepped inside.

"Yes, Caroline, hello. I've called you in here because some of the staff have become concerned about your relationship with Dr. McCartney." Sue pronounced this with no small measure of excitement, Caroline noticed. This did not bode well.

"Oh, have they."

"You see, we've done some...some routine, totally standard testing, all part of hospital procedure. As you can see here, it appears you and Dr. Mac are related. Brother and sister, actually." Sue clapped her hands a bit as she said this, bouncing in her chair.

"I beg your pardon?"

"That's right!" Sue shook a thin manila folder at her and threw it on the desk. "It's an unholy act, what you've been doing, and you'll just have to get that through your pointy little head."

"My head's not pointy!"

"It is."

***

Boyce grinned to himself as he approached the door. This was going to be one of the best ones yet. He quickly ducked inside the office and set it into motion. "Dr. Statham, I need a consultation on something in the hall. Can I borrow your keen intellect for a minute?"

"I don't have time for one of your, your little tricks, Dr. Boyce, I am quite busy at the moment with very important...medical things, so just, just, be on your way! Off you go!"

"The thing is, Dr. Statham, it's also something very important that I need you to see. I very much need your expert opinion on this."

"Alright, well, if you insist on, on hovering there, I can't work like this." Statham stood up and marched out of his office. "What is so urgent that you have to rush about the hospital, barging into offices without so much as a by-your-leave as you go?"

"It's just down here. Quickly!" Boyce eagerly led him down the hall and braced himself. As they rounded the corner, a small figure suddenly hurled itself at them, yelling and moaning. Statham screamed in unison with the figure as Boyce pushed him towards a door. "Yes, good, breathe deeply, Dr. Statham. D'you know, I think we've just seen a zombie."

"A zombie? Do you really think so? It did have a rather greenish face, didn't it."

"Well it makes sense. We are in a hospital filled with bodies."

Statham pondered this for a long moment. "Do you know where we are?"

"We appear to be in the supplies closet, Dr. Statham." As he spoke, he could hear wailing noises trailing off down the corridor. Well done, Martin, indeed.

"Yes, good. Excellent."

***

Guy was innocently perusing some articles online, just some scientific research, thank you very much, when he was suddenly accosted by Caroline. "Guy, have you seen Mac? I need to show him some papers."

"Well, good luck with that, I imagine his flowing ginger locks with obscure his vision quite a bit."

"No, this is actually quite important, I've just been to see Sue White and I need him to see this."

"What is it, then? Is she finally being committed? Someone recognizes her devotion to that overgrown girl is utterly mad? Let me see." Over her objections, Guy reached around her back and snatched at the paper.

"No, Guy, be careful, this is very important!"

"Well, what does it say, just show me, I won't say anything."

"It says...Sue White just told me Mac and I are related."

Guy said nothing.

"It's all a bit mad, I don't actually see how that could be possible, but I feel he ought to know."

Guy continued to say nothing, but stared back at Caroline.

"Guy? Are you alright, you look a bit off-"

"Do you know what this means?"

"Well, Guy and I may have committed a crime, actually, but that's a bit dodgy at the moment still, I think."

"He's trying to copy me! Going after his sister, yeah, nice try, I still win!"

"What d'you mean, you win, what have you won?"

"Well, mother trumps sister, obviously."

***

"I, I, really, this is not a small enough space for two, you should go out and, and, and find your own space!" As he spoke, Statham could feel Boyce resolutely not leaving, nor even stepping back. Insufferable.

"I'm afraid to go out."

"Fear is an ugly emotion, Dr. Boyce, if you expect to make it in this profession, you'll have to, to overcome your natural inclination towards cowardice."

"Why don't you go out, then?"

"I'm staying here to, to, perform, ah, an inspection."

"Yes. The, the, the standards of...of closet maintenance in this hospital are just, just appalling."

"So you would say you spend a lot of time in the closet, do you?"

***

Caroline rushed toward the lounge. Mac usually went there between after he was finished in the theater, and with any luck she would-yes, there he was, sitting on the counter. "Mac, I've just spoken to Sue White and she's given me this DNA test."

Mac looked up from his magazine, smiling a bit. "Oh? Looking for proof that you are, in fact, Anastasia Romanov, the lost Russian princess?"

"No, no, no, no, this says we're related. It says you're my brother."

"Really? Well, that is great news, I always wanted a sister."

"Are you an only child?"

"No, I have a lovely sister Caroline, and we have done all manner of illegal things together, though considering this hospital's track record it's really nothing at all."

"This isn't funny, Mac, where did she get this?"

"I imagine from, ah, the printer. Have you actually had a look at this?"

"No, I just sort of, sort of rushed to find you and show it to you."

"Ah. Well, that is a very lovely sentiment, but if you have a look here, at the top, this form is actually referring to a Catherine Trodd and someone by the name of McKinley, neither of whom actually is...is either of us."

"Oh. So that's us in the clear, then."

"Yes, it would appear so."

"Lovely. I suppose Guy's going to be disappointed, though."

"Yeah, I imagine. Why, specifically?"

"Oh, he wanted to start a club. He was having badges made."

***

Boyce heard a metallic rustling, but didn't open his eyes. "Dr. Statham, do you think that's wise?" He lowered his voice. "It could still be out there."

"That is a, a risk I am willing to take, Dr. Boyce. When you are a man of the caliber and the, the, the constitution that I am, you will understand what it means to be, to be brave." Statham slowly pushed the door open, peering nervously around the edge, when suddenly Boyce shouted from behind him.

"My God, WHAT IS THAT!"

Statham shrieked and leapt into the hallway, where he was confronted with a large scarecrow, its face painted green.

"Is this your idea of a joke, Dr. Boyce? Dressing things up in funny clothes and, and, and painted faces, going about trying to frighten people?"

"I just wanted to spend some time with you. You've been very busy lately." Boyce gestured at his watch to illustrate, and shrugged. "It's quite late now, though, isn't it. I have to run and meet Kim for lunch. I'll see you later, though, yeah?" Boyce took off down the hall, but he could hear Statham ranting behind him:

"Ohh, you think you're so clever, don't you, you stupid...immature...person. We'll see who's laughing, when I, when, when I have you reported! We'll see who's laughing then, won't we!"

Yes. It had been a very good day.

 


End file.
